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nike_ravusTitle: Poem 15 (High D'Haran Love Poetry 7/??)
Author: Alsike
Fandom: LotS
Rating: Rish-not even.
Pairing: Berdine/Raina
Word Count: ~3000
Apologies: I said it would be longer! I should probably be working on one of my four final projects, or what I'm reading in writing group on Sunday, but I needed a break. Thus, fic.
Summary: Mord'Sith, in Lord Rahl's presence.
(These are in order, really)
Poem 51
Poem 2b
Poem 92
Poem 99
Poem 8
Poem 70
Cara frowned, striding down the hall at her side, her steps as amusingly large as always, dramatic, to make up for her lack of height. "You know, I haven't even met this girl you're lusting over."
Berdine shook her head. "You don't need to. She's in a completely different area than you, and either way, I've given up."
Hally spun to face them. "You? You've given up? You don't give up. You just make sneaky plans."
Berdine smiled and shook her head. "I think... I think I'm just going to wait."
"Oh," Hally looked bored. "You do have a plan."
"Honestly, I don't. But I've done everything I can, and probably more than I should. It's her turn."
Cara scowled. "What is going on in her head? Why would she say no to you?"
"Well," Hally remarked. "She volunteered for the Mord'Sith. She must be nuts."
"I really wouldn't blame her for this," Berdine interjected before they took it upon themselves to knock some sense into Raina. "I'm sure I asked for far more than either of you would be comfortable with." Cara's eyes were sharp and suspicious. "And I might have forced her to listen to more poetry than is technically humane."
"Oh Lord," Hally mumbled. "No wonder."
* * *
Rahl sat back in his throne. He was bored, clearly, only half paying attention to the chancellors who gathered around, reporting their troubles, overstating their needs, and undervaluing their tax revenues.
Berdine was unimpressed. Still, usually she did a much better job of focusing at these events. But Raina had been there when she came in, and for all her easy words, Berdine was still unsettled by the slight glance, eyes flicking to her as she stood in the door, and then, just as quickly, flicking away. She didn't turn her head. And she didn't change her expression. Berdine didn't sigh. That would have been inappropriate.
Rahl's meetings with his chancellors were always long and dull. Berdine, by dint of her knowledge and office, had the right to speak whenever there was a point of historical relevance or precedent to comment on. But usually the only other Mord'Sith, besides the Squadron Commanders who along with the Captain of the Dragon Corps served as military advisors, were bodyguards.
Raina was neither a bodyguard nor a Squadron Commander. She was with the fox-haired woman again, standing just behind her shoulder. That upstart from the mountains had still not given up her fight to become the head, though Mistress Catha, also in attendance, was ignoring her, irritated and just as bored as Berdine. Her interest was sparked for a moment when it became clear that one of the provinces would need subduing. Along with the Captain she proposed a solution, and two quads were assigned.
But it didn't make sense. There was no reason for Raina to be there. She didn't speak. She didn't look at the maps or the notes. But, Berdine considered, she was often called in to report to the Lord Rahl, even if, as she claimed, it was only when there was bad news. She was familiar here, to an extent. Perhaps she had been asked to attend.
One of the chancellors was claiming an absurdly low grain yield, and Berdine cut him off. It wasn't as if she didn't have her own informants among their retinues, but she had to be subtle. "That's unexpected," she started. "The weather this year has been just the sort grain requires, hasn't it? And your usual yield is nearly twice-"
Rahl, eyelids lowered in laziness, let his gaze drift around the room. They settled on Raina, and just slightly, carelessly, he smiled.
Berdine forgot what she was saying. Mouth slack, suddenly bewildered, blindsided and angry. It couldn't be true. Raina wasn't the right type, was she? She was straightforward, and strong, all duty and practicality. She wouldn't be attractive to him, not with his fetish for wide eyes and fair hair. But perhaps... she was small, the delicacy of her shoulders hiding her strength. She didn't play games, and the bitterness of machination wasn't written on her face. Perfect mouth, perfect eyes, eyes that looked down and couldn't hide their sorrow, or looked up and saw everything you wished to conceal. And Berdine tried not to choke on the bitter hatred that welled up, like blood from a mortal wound. Everyone was watching her, surprised and amused by her stumbling. The Lord Rahl laughed, his tone mocking. She found her words, speaking cold and clear. "You had twice that much with worse weather and fewer fields."
"But the workers have been restless-"
Berdine slashed out with perfectly sharpened words. "You're blaming this on them? Are your farmers just idiots, forgetting to sow the seeds? Or have you gotten better prices trading with the Midlands, traitor?"
Lord Rahl grinned maliciously. "Be nice, Berdine. We're all fools compared to you."
"No," Berdine said. "Not all of you." She hadn't meant him.
He didn't know, and he shook his head, still smiling with a wicked tone. "Captain," he indicated the master of the Dragon Corps. "It seems that this chancellor is having difficulty keeping track of his grain. Send a regiment with him when he returns back. I'm sure they'll keep track of where it's going." He smiled at the Chancellor who was looking pale and uncomfortable. "And their food and payment will come out of your crop. Better find that missing grain." He waved them all away. "Begone," he said. "I'm bored."
Berdine took a moment to collect herself and only left after most of the others had slipped out.
"What's wrong with you?" Raina's hand was pressed firmly against her neck guard. She looked intent and accusatory, and Berdine was furious. How dare she accost her like this? She had come out of nowhere, taken her off guard, and that was shame enough.
Berdine caught those small perfect shoulders, stepping in to throw her. Raina turned against the force and slipped out of her grasp, hurling a backhand towards her face. Berdine caught her wrist in midair, and wanted to break it. Her fingers made dents in the leather. But she couldn't twist; she couldn't look away.
"If I bruise your face- I'll beat you 'till he doesn't-"
Raina flinched back. "You're jealous?" she sounded horrified.
Berdine was disgusted with herself. Possession would always be denied her, and yet she wanted nothing more. "Yes." But it was more than that. It wasn't even mostly jealousy. It was fear, and hate, and regret. Pretty girls with pretty eyes, and even if she shouldn't, she couldn't help but care.
"I'm not yours, and even if I were your pet, you would still have no rights here."
"I know that." There was nothing she could do. No way to change this, and it was a bitter taste in her mouth, but not one she was unfamiliar with. You always gave your toys up when the Lord Rahl asked for them. But she could not help the jealousy, when she knew Rahl would never ask for anything worthwhile, but if he did, no one could refuse. And Raina was so good at refusing her, over and over again.
"I can't love you."
"Why not!" Berdine shook her. "It's not the same as 'don't.'"
Raina jerked out of her grip. "Because it makes you weak."
"Why does everyone say that?" Cara spouted it daily, but she had her own reasons for that, and Berdine couldn't blame her. But this wasn't the same. She wanted to stomp out her frustration. This was purposeless. "It doesn't make us weak. We are not better without it."
Raina's eyes narrowed, a single eyebrow informing her that she was not being a good sample case.
"It makes you crazy, fine, of course it makes you crazy. But you don't believe it. The way you treat your students-"
Raina looked like she had been hit by an unseen blow. "I hurt them, that's all I do."
"For their own good. They are better for it. You've said it yourself, if we cannot trust each other..."
"This isn't the same thing." 'This,' it was almost 'what we have,' and if it had been, then there would have been something, some reason for this, not just feelings, without reason without cause without resolution. But it was only 'this.'
"Fine. It's true. But what we are told is a lie!" Berdine could not hear that slander one more time. Why did people believe that their limited experience, that the lies they have been told, were all there is, were the only way to think or look or live? "We are told over and over again that we are woman and women are weak, so to become strong we must no longer be women, but we can never be men. Men have hearts, but a woman must cut out her heart to be worthy of power. But they tell us this and they leave us broken. Without love we are only petty and sly and vicious. We are sisters of the agiel, but we are the worst kind of sisters. We are sisters in pain, in violence, in jealousy, not in trust, loyalty, and support. We could be so much stronger than we are. But they are too afraid of us to allow us that strength. We are broken and purged of our weaknesses, but denied the dreams that could make us stronger."
Raina looked away. "I don't disagree."
"We have been lied to. We are told to think not on love or friendship and cast aside our families. But when we cast aside all ties to this world, all that remains is selfishness, madness, and Lord Rahl."
"Isn't he enough?" Raina shook her head. "Mord'Sith aren't like regular soldiers. We don't desert. We don't hesitate. To a certain extent we could improve, we could work better as quads. But if there's nothing to choose over service, over our Lord and our country, there's nothing holding us back. We have our lives, we are fed and clothed and kept warm. If all we have to pay is duty to one man, only one man, the price is cheap. If he is all we care for, then we have no obligation to anyone else. Our lord is enough to give us purpose, and there is no one else to hold us back."
"How can that be enough?" But Raina was a better Mord'Sith than her. She couldn't help that it felt like a loss. "When we're just broken, perhaps. But after that we need more to give us strength. We should turn to each other, become sisters, not rivals. But we cannot trust our agemates, and we cannot love our mistresses. And the youngest and prettiest are taken to serve the Lord Rahl and discover that they are nothing to him." And she could only think of Cara, just broken, surprised at being so honored, when everyone who could see her hurt eyes and expressive lips would know, immediately, that she was the sort the Lord Rahl would love to take to his bed. The consequences had shaped her. Berdine had watched her rage and fury as she revolted at her weakness, at the vulnerability of the body she had been born into. She had embraced being Mord'Sith as the corrupt embraced the purifying fire. "You cannot love someone who does not love you back."
Raina's eyes were stricken, and Berdine realized too late the accusation in her words. She stood frozen, gaze fixed on Raina's guilt and shame.
"Why did you come to the library?" Berdine finally asked. "Why did you come to see the Mord'Sith who believed in stories?"
"I was afraid." It was simple, and succinct, and nothing a Mord'Sith would ever admit. "I was afraid of you, afraid that there could be a great Mord'Sith who would be forever far beyond my reach. I was afraid enough, coming to the People's Palace, that the Mord'Sith I would find here would be different, better than any of my cohort. I had heard rumors of you, how you stood at the Lord Rahl's left shoulder and told him what to do and he did it, that you did not need to fight for your place, because no one would dare to challenge you. You epitomized all I feared coming here. You were everything I could never become, never compete with." Raina's mouth curled up into a tight smile. "And I always face my greatest fear first. So I went to the library. I didn't realize what I should truly fear, that you would love me. I was never taught how to fight against that."
"Why?" Berdine asked. "Why was I something you could never become nor compete with?"
Raina flushed, cringing in humiliation. She turned, starting a desperate plunge away down the hall, but Berdine grabbed her wrist, halting her.
"Why?"
Raina turned back, her eyes reflective, jaw set, as if it could be armor. She shrugged, stiffly, as if it was painful. "I never learned to read."
Berdine blinked. It seemed absurd. This was D'Hara, not some backwards place like Westland. "Even when you were a child?"
"I told you." Raina jerked her arm away. "Do you really think someone who would volunteer to become Mord'Sith would have had the kind of life that involved school or parents? I was a thief." She shook her head, her shoulders slumping with remembered suffering. "I wished I was a thief. I was a beggar. I stole when I could. I was beaten when I was caught. I raged in anger against those who had more than they needed and those who had abandoned me to my fate. And then the women in red leather came."
Berdine had never seen that look on anyone's face when speaking of Mord'Sith, it was hope, and half destroyed faith. And it was so obvious what they had meant to her.
"They were strong, and healthy, and well fed. They took what they wanted, and everyone was too afraid to hurt them for it. And they were taking girls. I cleaned up as much as I could, and I strode up to them. 'Take me,' I said. Take me." Her eyes were wild, not seeing this half enclosed hallway in the People's Palace, not seeing anything but the tall straight forms of Mord'Sith, hunting children, and admiring them.
"I wanted to scream it, I was so desperate to not be left behind, not in this crumbling mountain hamlet, where I starved and froze and begged until they chased me out of town and I would starve on the road until I found the next one. But they laughed. They ignored me. So I snuck into the wagon anyways and stole food, despising the girls that cried and whimpered around me. They caught me thieving and threw me out of the wagon, onto the stones by the side of the road. The one who had tossed me out pulled her agiel, and would have killed me, but my Mistress stopped her. She said, 'Don't. The brittle ones are so much more fun to break.' And they took me. I will never regret it. But once I was Mord'Sith, once I was their equal, how could I ask to be taught what any child should know? I could not betray my weakness."
"It's not a weakness," Berdine whispered involuntarily. "Not for you." And it was true; she knew that from the deep clench in her chest. There was nothing about this woman of fire and iron that could ever be counted as weak. "I can teach you."
"No!" Raina backed away. "Why must I always confess myself to you?
"It's nothing to me! And if it's worth something to you, I don't care. I'm not interested in having power over you, in making you owe me. Let me serve you." Berdine kept pace with her, knowing that aggression was not how she should get what she wanted, but this was the only way she could think of. She reached out, catching Raina's wrist again, holding it, not to hurt nor halt this time, just to hold. She waited for Raina to strike her. She needed to be hit. If she were hit she could submit and apologize for her insolence. She could make it better, and not be left standing here, shaking, when she needed to have more time with this woman, and Raina needed something from her, but would not take it. But Raina didn't hit her. She just stood, her back pressed against the wall, gaze cast down, like a pet, and Berdine could not bear seeing that in her face.
She dropped to her knees, tugged Raina's wrist and placed her hand on her head. "Command me to do it. I will do this for you. I would do anything for you."
"I didn't break you."
"You didn't have to. Just say yes. I promise, to steal no more kisses, to not pursue you when you don't want me if you say yes. I would be honored to do this for you."
"Why?"
"Because it's you."
"Why me?"
Berdine allowed herself to look up, take in the wide eyes and symmetrical perfection of her face. "I don't know. How can anyone know? Perhaps I was fated to love you, that is all the sense I can make of it." Raina shut her eyes, as if praying to the Creator to make it untrue. "But... it is you. And you have only shown yourself worthy, shown your strength, your prowess, your honor, and how can I not see you, see that you are everything that is Mord'Sith and that I respect, and that you are more than you ought to be, that you are a soldier, that you care enough to break your charges so they can find their strength, that you have open ears and eyes, and want to see, and that you are fearless."
"I am not."
Berdine pushed up off her knees and pressed a chaste kiss firm against her mouth. "You are fearless enough for me."
* * *
She hadn't said yes, but she hadn't said no either, just left, and Berdine was willing to wait. The Lord Rahl had gone to the north on a hunting expedition, and she could let her hate subside. Still, it didn't mean her long-distance devotions weren't slightly more bitter than usual.
I commend to you myself and my loved ones,
Oh Aurelius Rahl. I beg a modest favor,
That if there is anything beloved of your heart
That you would seek to keep pure and unharmed,
Then chastely keep my boy safe for me.
I'm not saying 'from people'
There's nothing we fear from the ones
Now here, now there on the street,
Going about in accordance with their business.
The truth is, what I fear is you and your cock,
Molesting boys, both good and bad.
And any which please you,
It happily pokes however much you wish,
When out, it is ready.
It is just this one boy that I humbly take away.
And if your evil mind and frenzied passion
Urge you, just enough, to commit such a crime, you wretch,
That by treachery you would attack our person.
Then it is your fate that will be miserable and vile!
Hogtied and ass open,
You'll get fucked with horseradish and fish.
Part 8
Author: Alsike
Fandom: LotS
Rating: Rish-not even.
Pairing: Berdine/Raina
Word Count: ~3000
Apologies: I said it would be longer! I should probably be working on one of my four final projects, or what I'm reading in writing group on Sunday, but I needed a break. Thus, fic.
Summary: Mord'Sith, in Lord Rahl's presence.
(These are in order, really)
Poem 51
Poem 2b
Poem 92
Poem 99
Poem 8
Poem 70
Cara frowned, striding down the hall at her side, her steps as amusingly large as always, dramatic, to make up for her lack of height. "You know, I haven't even met this girl you're lusting over."
Berdine shook her head. "You don't need to. She's in a completely different area than you, and either way, I've given up."
Hally spun to face them. "You? You've given up? You don't give up. You just make sneaky plans."
Berdine smiled and shook her head. "I think... I think I'm just going to wait."
"Oh," Hally looked bored. "You do have a plan."
"Honestly, I don't. But I've done everything I can, and probably more than I should. It's her turn."
Cara scowled. "What is going on in her head? Why would she say no to you?"
"Well," Hally remarked. "She volunteered for the Mord'Sith. She must be nuts."
"I really wouldn't blame her for this," Berdine interjected before they took it upon themselves to knock some sense into Raina. "I'm sure I asked for far more than either of you would be comfortable with." Cara's eyes were sharp and suspicious. "And I might have forced her to listen to more poetry than is technically humane."
"Oh Lord," Hally mumbled. "No wonder."
* * *
Rahl sat back in his throne. He was bored, clearly, only half paying attention to the chancellors who gathered around, reporting their troubles, overstating their needs, and undervaluing their tax revenues.
Berdine was unimpressed. Still, usually she did a much better job of focusing at these events. But Raina had been there when she came in, and for all her easy words, Berdine was still unsettled by the slight glance, eyes flicking to her as she stood in the door, and then, just as quickly, flicking away. She didn't turn her head. And she didn't change her expression. Berdine didn't sigh. That would have been inappropriate.
Rahl's meetings with his chancellors were always long and dull. Berdine, by dint of her knowledge and office, had the right to speak whenever there was a point of historical relevance or precedent to comment on. But usually the only other Mord'Sith, besides the Squadron Commanders who along with the Captain of the Dragon Corps served as military advisors, were bodyguards.
Raina was neither a bodyguard nor a Squadron Commander. She was with the fox-haired woman again, standing just behind her shoulder. That upstart from the mountains had still not given up her fight to become the head, though Mistress Catha, also in attendance, was ignoring her, irritated and just as bored as Berdine. Her interest was sparked for a moment when it became clear that one of the provinces would need subduing. Along with the Captain she proposed a solution, and two quads were assigned.
But it didn't make sense. There was no reason for Raina to be there. She didn't speak. She didn't look at the maps or the notes. But, Berdine considered, she was often called in to report to the Lord Rahl, even if, as she claimed, it was only when there was bad news. She was familiar here, to an extent. Perhaps she had been asked to attend.
One of the chancellors was claiming an absurdly low grain yield, and Berdine cut him off. It wasn't as if she didn't have her own informants among their retinues, but she had to be subtle. "That's unexpected," she started. "The weather this year has been just the sort grain requires, hasn't it? And your usual yield is nearly twice-"
Rahl, eyelids lowered in laziness, let his gaze drift around the room. They settled on Raina, and just slightly, carelessly, he smiled.
Berdine forgot what she was saying. Mouth slack, suddenly bewildered, blindsided and angry. It couldn't be true. Raina wasn't the right type, was she? She was straightforward, and strong, all duty and practicality. She wouldn't be attractive to him, not with his fetish for wide eyes and fair hair. But perhaps... she was small, the delicacy of her shoulders hiding her strength. She didn't play games, and the bitterness of machination wasn't written on her face. Perfect mouth, perfect eyes, eyes that looked down and couldn't hide their sorrow, or looked up and saw everything you wished to conceal. And Berdine tried not to choke on the bitter hatred that welled up, like blood from a mortal wound. Everyone was watching her, surprised and amused by her stumbling. The Lord Rahl laughed, his tone mocking. She found her words, speaking cold and clear. "You had twice that much with worse weather and fewer fields."
"But the workers have been restless-"
Berdine slashed out with perfectly sharpened words. "You're blaming this on them? Are your farmers just idiots, forgetting to sow the seeds? Or have you gotten better prices trading with the Midlands, traitor?"
Lord Rahl grinned maliciously. "Be nice, Berdine. We're all fools compared to you."
"No," Berdine said. "Not all of you." She hadn't meant him.
He didn't know, and he shook his head, still smiling with a wicked tone. "Captain," he indicated the master of the Dragon Corps. "It seems that this chancellor is having difficulty keeping track of his grain. Send a regiment with him when he returns back. I'm sure they'll keep track of where it's going." He smiled at the Chancellor who was looking pale and uncomfortable. "And their food and payment will come out of your crop. Better find that missing grain." He waved them all away. "Begone," he said. "I'm bored."
Berdine took a moment to collect herself and only left after most of the others had slipped out.
"What's wrong with you?" Raina's hand was pressed firmly against her neck guard. She looked intent and accusatory, and Berdine was furious. How dare she accost her like this? She had come out of nowhere, taken her off guard, and that was shame enough.
Berdine caught those small perfect shoulders, stepping in to throw her. Raina turned against the force and slipped out of her grasp, hurling a backhand towards her face. Berdine caught her wrist in midair, and wanted to break it. Her fingers made dents in the leather. But she couldn't twist; she couldn't look away.
"If I bruise your face- I'll beat you 'till he doesn't-"
Raina flinched back. "You're jealous?" she sounded horrified.
Berdine was disgusted with herself. Possession would always be denied her, and yet she wanted nothing more. "Yes." But it was more than that. It wasn't even mostly jealousy. It was fear, and hate, and regret. Pretty girls with pretty eyes, and even if she shouldn't, she couldn't help but care.
"I'm not yours, and even if I were your pet, you would still have no rights here."
"I know that." There was nothing she could do. No way to change this, and it was a bitter taste in her mouth, but not one she was unfamiliar with. You always gave your toys up when the Lord Rahl asked for them. But she could not help the jealousy, when she knew Rahl would never ask for anything worthwhile, but if he did, no one could refuse. And Raina was so good at refusing her, over and over again.
"I can't love you."
"Why not!" Berdine shook her. "It's not the same as 'don't.'"
Raina jerked out of her grip. "Because it makes you weak."
"Why does everyone say that?" Cara spouted it daily, but she had her own reasons for that, and Berdine couldn't blame her. But this wasn't the same. She wanted to stomp out her frustration. This was purposeless. "It doesn't make us weak. We are not better without it."
Raina's eyes narrowed, a single eyebrow informing her that she was not being a good sample case.
"It makes you crazy, fine, of course it makes you crazy. But you don't believe it. The way you treat your students-"
Raina looked like she had been hit by an unseen blow. "I hurt them, that's all I do."
"For their own good. They are better for it. You've said it yourself, if we cannot trust each other..."
"This isn't the same thing." 'This,' it was almost 'what we have,' and if it had been, then there would have been something, some reason for this, not just feelings, without reason without cause without resolution. But it was only 'this.'
"Fine. It's true. But what we are told is a lie!" Berdine could not hear that slander one more time. Why did people believe that their limited experience, that the lies they have been told, were all there is, were the only way to think or look or live? "We are told over and over again that we are woman and women are weak, so to become strong we must no longer be women, but we can never be men. Men have hearts, but a woman must cut out her heart to be worthy of power. But they tell us this and they leave us broken. Without love we are only petty and sly and vicious. We are sisters of the agiel, but we are the worst kind of sisters. We are sisters in pain, in violence, in jealousy, not in trust, loyalty, and support. We could be so much stronger than we are. But they are too afraid of us to allow us that strength. We are broken and purged of our weaknesses, but denied the dreams that could make us stronger."
Raina looked away. "I don't disagree."
"We have been lied to. We are told to think not on love or friendship and cast aside our families. But when we cast aside all ties to this world, all that remains is selfishness, madness, and Lord Rahl."
"Isn't he enough?" Raina shook her head. "Mord'Sith aren't like regular soldiers. We don't desert. We don't hesitate. To a certain extent we could improve, we could work better as quads. But if there's nothing to choose over service, over our Lord and our country, there's nothing holding us back. We have our lives, we are fed and clothed and kept warm. If all we have to pay is duty to one man, only one man, the price is cheap. If he is all we care for, then we have no obligation to anyone else. Our lord is enough to give us purpose, and there is no one else to hold us back."
"How can that be enough?" But Raina was a better Mord'Sith than her. She couldn't help that it felt like a loss. "When we're just broken, perhaps. But after that we need more to give us strength. We should turn to each other, become sisters, not rivals. But we cannot trust our agemates, and we cannot love our mistresses. And the youngest and prettiest are taken to serve the Lord Rahl and discover that they are nothing to him." And she could only think of Cara, just broken, surprised at being so honored, when everyone who could see her hurt eyes and expressive lips would know, immediately, that she was the sort the Lord Rahl would love to take to his bed. The consequences had shaped her. Berdine had watched her rage and fury as she revolted at her weakness, at the vulnerability of the body she had been born into. She had embraced being Mord'Sith as the corrupt embraced the purifying fire. "You cannot love someone who does not love you back."
Raina's eyes were stricken, and Berdine realized too late the accusation in her words. She stood frozen, gaze fixed on Raina's guilt and shame.
"Why did you come to the library?" Berdine finally asked. "Why did you come to see the Mord'Sith who believed in stories?"
"I was afraid." It was simple, and succinct, and nothing a Mord'Sith would ever admit. "I was afraid of you, afraid that there could be a great Mord'Sith who would be forever far beyond my reach. I was afraid enough, coming to the People's Palace, that the Mord'Sith I would find here would be different, better than any of my cohort. I had heard rumors of you, how you stood at the Lord Rahl's left shoulder and told him what to do and he did it, that you did not need to fight for your place, because no one would dare to challenge you. You epitomized all I feared coming here. You were everything I could never become, never compete with." Raina's mouth curled up into a tight smile. "And I always face my greatest fear first. So I went to the library. I didn't realize what I should truly fear, that you would love me. I was never taught how to fight against that."
"Why?" Berdine asked. "Why was I something you could never become nor compete with?"
Raina flushed, cringing in humiliation. She turned, starting a desperate plunge away down the hall, but Berdine grabbed her wrist, halting her.
"Why?"
Raina turned back, her eyes reflective, jaw set, as if it could be armor. She shrugged, stiffly, as if it was painful. "I never learned to read."
Berdine blinked. It seemed absurd. This was D'Hara, not some backwards place like Westland. "Even when you were a child?"
"I told you." Raina jerked her arm away. "Do you really think someone who would volunteer to become Mord'Sith would have had the kind of life that involved school or parents? I was a thief." She shook her head, her shoulders slumping with remembered suffering. "I wished I was a thief. I was a beggar. I stole when I could. I was beaten when I was caught. I raged in anger against those who had more than they needed and those who had abandoned me to my fate. And then the women in red leather came."
Berdine had never seen that look on anyone's face when speaking of Mord'Sith, it was hope, and half destroyed faith. And it was so obvious what they had meant to her.
"They were strong, and healthy, and well fed. They took what they wanted, and everyone was too afraid to hurt them for it. And they were taking girls. I cleaned up as much as I could, and I strode up to them. 'Take me,' I said. Take me." Her eyes were wild, not seeing this half enclosed hallway in the People's Palace, not seeing anything but the tall straight forms of Mord'Sith, hunting children, and admiring them.
"I wanted to scream it, I was so desperate to not be left behind, not in this crumbling mountain hamlet, where I starved and froze and begged until they chased me out of town and I would starve on the road until I found the next one. But they laughed. They ignored me. So I snuck into the wagon anyways and stole food, despising the girls that cried and whimpered around me. They caught me thieving and threw me out of the wagon, onto the stones by the side of the road. The one who had tossed me out pulled her agiel, and would have killed me, but my Mistress stopped her. She said, 'Don't. The brittle ones are so much more fun to break.' And they took me. I will never regret it. But once I was Mord'Sith, once I was their equal, how could I ask to be taught what any child should know? I could not betray my weakness."
"It's not a weakness," Berdine whispered involuntarily. "Not for you." And it was true; she knew that from the deep clench in her chest. There was nothing about this woman of fire and iron that could ever be counted as weak. "I can teach you."
"No!" Raina backed away. "Why must I always confess myself to you?
"It's nothing to me! And if it's worth something to you, I don't care. I'm not interested in having power over you, in making you owe me. Let me serve you." Berdine kept pace with her, knowing that aggression was not how she should get what she wanted, but this was the only way she could think of. She reached out, catching Raina's wrist again, holding it, not to hurt nor halt this time, just to hold. She waited for Raina to strike her. She needed to be hit. If she were hit she could submit and apologize for her insolence. She could make it better, and not be left standing here, shaking, when she needed to have more time with this woman, and Raina needed something from her, but would not take it. But Raina didn't hit her. She just stood, her back pressed against the wall, gaze cast down, like a pet, and Berdine could not bear seeing that in her face.
She dropped to her knees, tugged Raina's wrist and placed her hand on her head. "Command me to do it. I will do this for you. I would do anything for you."
"I didn't break you."
"You didn't have to. Just say yes. I promise, to steal no more kisses, to not pursue you when you don't want me if you say yes. I would be honored to do this for you."
"Why?"
"Because it's you."
"Why me?"
Berdine allowed herself to look up, take in the wide eyes and symmetrical perfection of her face. "I don't know. How can anyone know? Perhaps I was fated to love you, that is all the sense I can make of it." Raina shut her eyes, as if praying to the Creator to make it untrue. "But... it is you. And you have only shown yourself worthy, shown your strength, your prowess, your honor, and how can I not see you, see that you are everything that is Mord'Sith and that I respect, and that you are more than you ought to be, that you are a soldier, that you care enough to break your charges so they can find their strength, that you have open ears and eyes, and want to see, and that you are fearless."
"I am not."
Berdine pushed up off her knees and pressed a chaste kiss firm against her mouth. "You are fearless enough for me."
* * *
She hadn't said yes, but she hadn't said no either, just left, and Berdine was willing to wait. The Lord Rahl had gone to the north on a hunting expedition, and she could let her hate subside. Still, it didn't mean her long-distance devotions weren't slightly more bitter than usual.
I commend to you myself and my loved ones,
Oh Aurelius Rahl. I beg a modest favor,
That if there is anything beloved of your heart
That you would seek to keep pure and unharmed,
Then chastely keep my boy safe for me.
I'm not saying 'from people'
There's nothing we fear from the ones
Now here, now there on the street,
Going about in accordance with their business.
The truth is, what I fear is you and your cock,
Molesting boys, both good and bad.
And any which please you,
It happily pokes however much you wish,
When out, it is ready.
It is just this one boy that I humbly take away.
And if your evil mind and frenzied passion
Urge you, just enough, to commit such a crime, you wretch,
That by treachery you would attack our person.
Then it is your fate that will be miserable and vile!
Hogtied and ass open,
You'll get fucked with horseradish and fish.
Part 8
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2011-05-14 04:38 am (UTC)"Oh Lord," Hally mumbled. "No wonder."
The Mord-Sith are truly masters of torture! Haaa! Great line!!!
Love this beautifully crafted and complicated relationship!
Austin
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Date: 2011-05-14 06:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-14 08:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-05-14 08:37 am (UTC)Berdine is so filled with emotions, and her way to see them in different lights, to recognize them and to rule them as a ord Sith has always such a bittersweet note! It´s a great read.
And I love how you write Raina. It´s just...perfect!
So, thank you for giving us this touching, heartbreaking but still bittersweet romantic story!
Always waiting for the next poem.... :)