nike_ravus | The Beef Jerky Incident

Title: The Beef Jerky Incident
Author: Alsike (I should have actually posted this during the battle that I wrote it for so it could have been Anonymous, but no.)
Fandom: iCarly
Pairing: Carly Shay/Sam Puckett
Rating: NC-17!!! (And not for the easily disgusted either!!!! This is possibly the grossest thing I've written, (except for that poorly planned cannibalism eroticism one)! And it's supposed to be cute! Which makes it worse!)
Disclaimer: I'm so, so sorry, Nickelodeon.
Summary: PWP. Future-fic. Roommates/Established Relationship. Uh. Beef Jerky.

Apologies: So, I wrote this, along with the beginning of something much longer ages ago during one of the Texts From Last Night porn battles, or summat, and then was too embarrassed by having written this at all to post it. I think I've gained enough distance from the writing that I no longer take any responsibility for coming up with this idea, and now just find it hilarious, (and generally implausible, except not for Sam). So, yeah. Enjoy. :D

“What is that?”

Sam blinked at me, as if she could actually come off as innocent, when she was wearing nothing but a beater and a strap-on made of a suspicious substance.

“Please don’t say… beef jerky.”

Sam smiled. “Kind of awesome, right?”

Oh God. “You really want to fuck me with beef jerky?”

Sam looked hesitant, as if she wasn’t sure if it was a trick question or not.

“Sam!”

“Why not?

“Are you serious?”

“I think I could market this. It’s a better idea than shoes.”

I groaned. But it was, at least, a better idea than shoes. She sauntered up to me, confident as ever, and took my hand. “Come on.”

She put my hand on it, curling my fingers around the rough surface. I cringed.

“What did you make this with?”

“Four slim jims, and your curling iron.”

I grimaced. It was time for a new curling iron.

She moved slightly, sliding the thing through my hand. And then she smirked up at me through her curls and smiled, and I wondered why I thought I’d be able to say no. She kissed the side of my neck and slid her fingers up my thigh. “You know you want to try it.”

“Can’t you put like a condom on that or something?”

Sam frowned. “And ruin the flavor?”

I sighed and acquiesced. Sam got to her knees, jerky cock flopping around in the harness, and started unfastening my jeans. She got them down and me out of them and then started kissing me, up the inside of one thigh and then the other. Eventually my knees gave out, like they always did, and I stumbled back onto the bed. Sam came after me, and caught one of my legs, hiking it up over her shoulder. She was always far stronger than I expected.

“This is going to be awesome,” she told me, flicking her hair over her shoulder. I shook my head, looking up at her and managing to get a pillow under my head so I could watch her.

“You are so weird.”

Her fingers slid into me, and I couldn’t say they had a hard time with that, but I was a little more worried about the beef jerky. “Just, be careful, okay. It’s kind of stiff, and I’m not all that… used to this.”

“It’s all right. It’ll get more bendy when it warms up.”

She pressed the front end into me and it stung a little.

“You did use mild ones, right?”

She blinked. Clearly she hadn’t thought about that. “Sam!”

And then she was in, deep and hard and a little painful, and I couldn’t help the gasp, it burned like a motherfucker, and I looked up, and she was watching me, her eyes softer than I was used to seeing, and then she moved. I jerked my leg off her shoulder and wrapped them around her waist, pulling her into me. She fell over and landed on my stomach, and looked at me, and laughed, and then she kissed me.

We fucked liked that, tangled up together, her hips moving quick and even, her tongue in my mouth. My fingers were splayed over her smooth back, tangling in her hair, digging into the flesh of her ass. She had one hand caught between us, sliding down against me, the other cupping my jaw, and she kept kissing me as she fucked me with her favorite beef flavored sausage item.

“This had better not fall apart in there,” I hissed at her when I was halfway to coming, “or you’re going vegetarian for a month.”

“Dude, you’re lucky I’m not a guy, because that would make me droop so fast.” And I laughed and canted my hips up towards her, and let her drive.

I came under her, clamping her against me with all four limbs, and bucking hard into her hips. Tightly locked together we rolled over, and I pinned her, then caught her mouth in a kiss.

“Reviews?” she inquired.

“Use mild next time.”

She blinked, and then laughed. “You totally liked it.”

I shrugged. I wasn’t going to say that there was something about it that was like… it was like it was part of her, more than anything plastic or vinyl could ever be. What was more Sam than beef jerky? Well, ham might be, but we were not going there.

“I’m going to have to wash these sheets like six times. I can smell it soaking in.”

Sam breathed in, shifting her hips just enough to turn me on. “I can smell you.”

Then she turned me over and took me from behind. For the amount of heat we were generating, I’m really surprised it didn’t melt.

The burn had faded by the third time I came, Sam sweaty and close up against my back, her fingers inside of me, the harness, slightly moist and drippy jerky hanging from it, dangling off the bedpost. She sucked her fingers, and I went unconscious. I wasn’t out for too long, maybe an hour or two, but when I woke up, Sam was eating something. This was not unusual. Sam was rarely not eating something. But I knew what it was this time.

“Oh god. You’re disgusting.”

“What?” she mumbled, looking like a porn star with her cheek stuffed with meat. “’s two of my favorite flavors. Beef jerky and you.”

I gave in, rolled over, and went back to sleep. But before I did I had one thing to say. “No ham,” I told her. “I am not going anywhere near this bed if there is ham involved.”

Sam shrugged, still involved in her… food.

But she woke me up in the morning with her head between my legs. And if that was going to be the result of beef jerky flavored sex, well, I wasn’t going to complain.